Together, Separately
an ode to online friends, and especially the recently departed John Tiedemann
First, though:
The reviews are in1, and people are raving about Neuroqueering Your Creative Practice. Discounted Early Bird tickets are on sale for a limited time, until 12:00 pm GMT/7:00 am EST/4:00 am PST on Tuesday 18 February. Go read the reviews in the first footnote and then tell me you aren’t looking for exactly this! I am honestly such a huge cheerleader for this course, if I weren’t teaching it, I would definitely be taking it myself. In fact, at least one person who took it in the fall is taking it again! So go get your early bird tickets!
Together, Separately
My good friend Lisa has started a fun new [mostly]2 daily invitation in DDS called “Let’s go for a walk together, separately.” She was having trouble getting out for a daily walk, despite knowing how good it is for her mood and health to move her body and be outside. So she decided to invite her friends in DDS to go for a walk “together, separately.” Each day she posts a new invitation, and includes a scavenger hunt option for those of us who love a good game: she invites us to find something spirally, something spikey, something yellow, something soft, etc etc—and then to post a photo of it in the comments.
Like Lisa, I have been having a very hard time getting outside for a walk lately. Walking outside is one of the things I almost never regret after I’ve done it; it almost always makes me feel better, clearer, less exhausted. And yet…. days go by and I mostly sit on my couch, or my daybed, working, reading, napping, watching TV. I’ve tried frightening myself about my health; I’ve tried speaking sternly but reasonably to myself in a not-shaming way; I’ve tried counting steps and challenging myself to close my exercise rings…. But nothing has really helped.
Until “Let’s go for a walk together, separately.”
In my old life, I used to meet friends to move my body—walks in the park, yoga at the Quaker meeting house, swimming at the local rec center; in fact, moving my body “together” with someone else was really the only way I ever moved my body at all. I was dubious about whether doing it “together, separately” would have the same effect.
As it turns out, it has! Especially the scavenger hunt aspect of Lisa’s invitation has been incredibly motivating, and has made the “together, separately” still feel very much “together.” I had a professor in college who said we always read books “with” someone—he didn’t mean in a book group sort of way, but that there was nearly always someone in our mind with whom we were in conversation as we read. I now feel that way about my walks. I’m not with any of my DDS friends, who are in fact scattered all over the world, but as I walk, I am seeing my neighborhood in a new way. Through their eyes. I’m looking for something to snap a photo of and share with them in the comments, and looking forward to the photos from their walks as well.
Looking at my neighborhood through the eyes of my DDS friends has helped me see it anew for myself. I thought it would be difficult to find spirals, and next to impossible to find something yellow (in the natural world as opposed to the built world) in the middle of winter. But in fact, I started seeing spirals and yellow plants that I walk by all the time but never noticed before.
I had a similar experience when I began learning to draw, from a little online course I purchased back in … 2018? I can’t really remember. But it set me on a little sketching spree and two things astounded me: the first is that it’s really possible to learn to draw—it’s not necessarily an innate talent but a skill that can be acquired; and second, the key to learning to draw is actually learning to see differently. Our brain does a lot of acrobatics to make a three dimensional world visually legible to us, but when we start to learn about perspective, and actually following the lines as they are, and not how our brain translates them to seem, voila! We can draw.
Some may protest that taking a walk alone, but seeing anew through the eyes of internet friends, is not at all the same as taking a walk “together” with a “real” friend. I agree that it’s not the same, but I also will insist that it’s not lesser than. In fact, for me, and probably many like me, the social intensity of actually being with another body on a regular basis can be incredibly overwhelming. I’m a hermit for a reason—it really does suit my sensibilities to be alone most of the time. My many friends all over the world—friends I have been hanging out with on Zoom multiple times a week for years now—really do let me have it all. I can be alone. I can be together. And I can be together, separately.
A beloved member of DDS, John Tiedemann, recently passed away, and it has me pondering the nature of online friendships. When I posted the news that John had died, the responses from his DDS friends were so heartfelt and lovely, as were the memories people shared during the memorial we held during our two Peer Support sessions last week. John was a remarkable man whom I never met in person, though we spent a lot of time together on Zoom and spoke on the phone a few times. He was a writing professor at the University of Denver, a photographer and poet, and he worked tirelessly as an anti-poverty campaigner and friend and writing mentor to unhoused people in Denver. John was almost exactly my age, and he died of heart failure, so his death has hit close to home in many ways.
Both in comments in the main feed of DDS, as well as in our two Peer Support memorials for John last week, it was so remarkable for me to learn how many lives he had touched all over the world. One of the many things I love about DDS is how intergenerational we are, and I was especially touched by several young people—in Germany, Northern Ireland, the Midwest and Southwest US—tell stories of conversations they had had with John that affirmed them, gave them courage and hope, made them feel less alone. I started to see how wide the web of John’s influence was, and I can only hope that he knew how much he was loved and how much goodness he put into the world just through his membership in DDS, nevermind all the work he did “irl” in Denver.
There is a funny way that these internet friends are as real as any friendship…. but in the way they exist online, as wisps of data, they are also ephemeral. That may seem to make them less “real,” but I would say rather that it makes them magical in some way. Ephemeral and real. Liminal. Disembodied, and therefore undying.
As I came to understand how much John mattered to so many people, I hoped fervently that he knew this. I don’t really believe in individual consciousness after death, or at the very least, I think whatever happens after death is simply unknowable. I don’t really believe that we can “talk” to John in any way that his consciousness is able to receive and comprehend … but at the same time, when reading and listening to the memories of his DDS friends, I have had such a lovely feeling that John is still out there, a disembodied wisp of data, that we are all still “together, separately.” I’m pretty sure he knows how much we loved him and how much he is missed.
What people are saying about the first Neuroqueering Your Creative Practice Course:
“Right now I think the biggest impact has been on my relationship to time and perfectionism. I feel myself feeling more easeful about my timeline for creative work and like I have more permission to create without having to appease others in a normative way.”
“I am more aware of my needs and of ways how I can adapt my practice to meet them…I loved how low the barriers to entry were and how I was able to participate even on "off" days.”
“The one biggest way (this course has neuroqueered my creative practice) is by normalising neuroqueer ways and giving me permission to play outside the system and out of the dominant mainstream culture especially with creative work…I’d say a lot of what was shared was pathbreaking and is not spoken about, shared or taught elsewhere. I liked that we were allowed to come as who we are - no pressure on homework or participation and that we were welcome, irrespective.”
“Yes, doing this course has been the final steps in healing from being on hiatus from my writing. I was glad to do it with others. I look forward to writing again in the coming year…Please do it again! It's helped me so much!”
“...It's been more about permission and pushing back against internalized rules about publishing and how I frame my creativity for myself…Using it to unmask and support myself when I show up in ways that aren't standard. One thing I've noticed: when I encounter a new idea about how to write or … "do" creativity I now stop and ask myself, "Is this designed for Allistics?" and most often the answer is yes and that is SUPER helpful because I now have a new frame for it. I think this will offset self-blame because now it makes sense why that approach doesn't or might not end up working for me…Totally unexpected and out of nowhere, when I left the Zoom room after our last class I burst into tears. I had no idea the class impacted me so deeply, especially considering I wasn't able to attend most sessions live and had to watch the recordings a week later. I don't think this has ever happened to me before. I think this was due to the safety I felt, the sense of community we built, as well as the mind-shifting information and authentic conversations. Thank you for that! :)”
“I really loved the workshop aspects of the course, that prompted me to reconsider my relationship with my own work. I think this course has opened me towards a greater acceptance of doing it my way, while also learning a lot for others sharing their work approaches. I loved that the course started with an overview of neuroqueering, which also included aspects of anti-colonial work, anti-capitalist, anti-racist, etc…It's always hard to fully get into these workshop aspects during class, I feel that I often more scratch the surface there, and so having the slides and videos is huge; because it now allows me to re-do the most important aspects of these workshop with myself and extending the time I need to fill them in, while still having access to the class discussions that came up around them…This course has been a beautiful opening towards the unknown sides of my creative practice and a wonderful community to gather with; I loved that it was over such a long time, as it really built the community I feel, and gave us a chance to get to better know each other.”
“I feel much more open, curious, and inspired about my creative practice! And feel more trust in my Neuroqueer self ^•^...This course reinvigorated my spirit and bodymind. It helped me understand myself and past more deeply, recharged my present self, and excited me about my future. It also introduced me to many electrically smart and creative people; how wonderfully brain tingly good it feels to be in a Neuroqueer space! Thank you for making and holding that space for us!”
“Very validating to be around people trying to do things in a way that works for them and embracing their nq-ness…Thank you to the three of you - I really got a lot out of it and your way of welcoming everyone to participate in a way that worked for them was fantastic. You are all warm and welcoming and approachable and encouraging. Thank you.”
“I started a personal project at the beginning of this course. I’ve always wanted to create a story and illustrate it into a little comic. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I’ve actually now made a dent in it. I’ve used mise en place, spiral time thoughts, disrupting shame thoughts and the additional body doubling sessions from KR to help me produce art that would have otherwise still been in my head 😅”
“...The delivery, each of the tutors, as well as the general vibe was so neuroqueery that the experience as a whole has been profoundly affirming and delightful, as well as bringing up deep grief at how constrained we've been, followed again by potent affirmation of our wild and creative spirits…Thank you for creating it!”
“It has helped me re-frame ways of being, knowing and functioning that I previously viewed with shame. It has helped to know there are so many other people like me, struggling with similar difficulties. It has helped me realise some 'choices' I made and some ways of approaching creative work were actually quite radical - I had made these choices more intuitively, and the course helped me see how some of them were challenging existing normative structures.”
“i have words for things i intuitively did but didn't take seriously enough (validation!). i feel that i can approach my own gut feelings in a more focused, directed, and intentional way. i also often felt like i was part of a larger community that gives me immense joy…i appreciated it so much, all of it. i particularly enjoyed KR's classes, but all were great, even when the topic didn't feel that important for me personally at the moment. engaging in the chat was such a joy (hilarious! touching! enlightening! what deep deep ocean of knowledge we all have, eager to share!). the open mic made me feel all kinds of good things. it made me miss being in an environment of education again, only to then immediately think, "yeah, but only an environment like this, with these kinds of people." i got a lot out of it, and hope to attend future classes. you all did a wonderful job with this, thank you.”
“...It has given me permission to allow [my creative practice] to grow out of what feels good and works from an inside-out way, minimizing shame around how I work and what I am "supposed to" produce. Even having the word has proven useful to give myself a definition as to how I can frame my actions, and this is true in the different aspects of my life beyond creativity - NQing parenting, NQing work, NQing relationships, etc.”
“It made me reflect on a lot of things and I met lovely neuroqueerdoes, but the best part for me was loosening up my creative practice and allowing things to flow more, erratically and freely. It softened shame and felt affirming, which was probably the reason I was drawn to this in the first place.”
Get your discounted Early Bird tickets until 12:00 pm GMT/7:00 am EST/4:00 am PST on Tuesday 18 February.
Everything in DDS is as we have bandwidth for.
This is beautiful! (PS I've always wanted to learn how to draw… you don't happen to know if that course you took is still available do you?)